After my last post I didn't sleep much, got up with the rest of the house and then slept for another hour or so... Maybe a total of 5 hours. When I got out of bed the last time I showered because the dr's office wouldn't open for another 1/2 hour.
I did call after and again had to receive a call back - but the wait wasn't that long. They said to bring the baby in to the lab. I put ice packs into a small styrofoam cooler and placed my baby on top. The tears silently rolling down my face the entire time; I knew this was the last time I would see the little lifeless Jellybean.
Even knowing that this precious child is in the arms of our Father, it was sad to say goodbye in the physical.
I drove to the office and did okay until I had to tell the sweet lady in the lab what I was bringing her. She and another lady admin type hugged me and said that was all I needed to do. I left while tears ran down my face, I had no choice. I couldn't stop them and I couldn't stay in that place just then. I'm sure an entire waiting room of people saw me - I'm just glad I held in the sobbing and moaning until I got in the car.
I went and had lunch with Kurt and didn't want to be alone in the house so I went after one of my favorite diversions... Thrift store shopping. I thought that I could just retail therapy myself into submission. It didn't work - I didn't find a single thing and still wanted to scream and break things.
I knew I had to go grocery shopping so I did that and by the time I was done it was time to get Anjoli.
I picked her up and we went home to put away the groceries. I made taco salad for dinner and after eating I read aloud from the 3rd Twilight book. It was a quiet evening at home.
I think I was trying too hard, I was so tired that I don't remember falling asleep, just waking up Thursday morning. And I knew I would go to work when I did wake up, I'd feel awful and useless otherwise. So I did. And I didn't feel as awful or useless, but I did feel the loss more acutely because of the sweet friends (coworkers) there... But it was nice to have the comfort of my work family. I am blessed!
By the time 5 o'clock rolled around it had started to pour down, torrentially! I felt the weather matched my mood. After dinner we went to Starbucks to get more of Anjoli's homework done. When we left Anjoli was being "talked to" by Kurt about something, I don't know what because I wasn't paying attention.
I was so distraught emotionally that I had an outburst in the parking lot. My poor car. If it wasn't so old and abused already I might have left a mark that was noticeable. Kurt, I think, misinterpreted my feelings but he was so patient with me and held me until I could really explain that it was bothering me that I hadn't seen any real display of his feelings about our loss.
I know my husband was raised by a stoic but I've seen him display sadness, joy, grief and a host of other emotions. I hadn't seen anything but worry for me and that was driving me mad... He could get all worked up enough to discipline Anjoli - and I'm not saying she didn't need it - but he couldn't let me see what he felt about our present situation? Or maybe it was that I was worried that he didn't care enough or feel any loss at all. I needed to know.
You know, God really knew what he was doing when he put us together as man and wife. I can't even explain how amazing Kurt's answer was... Truly it was God speaking to me through my dear husband.
Thank you again, God, for the wonderful creature you've given for me to help, who helps me too!
I can't say that I'm totally off the roller-coaster of emotions but I now feel somewhat better about the ride, I can see the end in sight. I know this too shall pass and that unless God calls me home before then that I'll be okay - we'll be okay.
Need to sleep soon, again, g'night all. Love y'all!
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