Mrs. KPShubert - Post-Most-Everything-Jellybean

So it's been a while - but I wanted to update all those interested in what's going on with this whole roller coaster ride.

Last you heard I'd gone back soon after to do blood work so as to check my hormone levels - - specifically the hCG (pregnancy) hormone.  When the initial results came back they told me I was still higher on the scale from where they thought I should be and I had to go back at the 2 week mark from that first appointment. 


After that second (post) appointment the results were a bit more favourable - they said I should've been a 5 on the (whatever) scale and I was at a 4 - I was good.

I should have an appointment next Thursday -- oh but wait, they've cancelled rescheduled me until the day I go on vacation for Thanksgiving!  Sorry - but I can't afford that time off in a short week! :-(  I've called back and this type of appointment only gets done at a couple of times each day -- 8:30 a.m. (the Dr usually gets in at 9?!) and 1 p.m.  So I've had to schedule a 1 p.m. on Dec 8th!

:-(

Suffering succotash! 

So the 2-month post-partum appointment turns into a 3-month p-p appt!

Oh well, c'est la vie!

I know I'm where I'm supposed to be with regards to God - and He's still working on me...

Maybe I'll start a "real" blog!  What do you think?  Any ideas on what to write on?  Maybe cooking & food reviews for local haunts?  I don't even dare think my life is exciting enough to just make it with a "journal" type thing - - and not like I'd want to broadcast everything that happens which might interest any & every Jill, Jane & Jessie out there...

Anyhow - here's me saying g'bye until December at least.

Love y'all!

Mrs. KPShubert - Blood & Hormones

I went to my Ob last Thursday as scheduled because he wanted to follow up on my condition and make sure the miscarriage wasn't causing any other issues etc. They took blood to see where my pregnancy hormone was at and he told me to come back in two months time to do the blood work again - just to be sure the levels went down to zero.

So Monday I get a call from the clinic and the lady tells me (she was very gentle) that I need to come back in two weeks from the last appointment because my blood work came back and it's not as low as they believe it should be. So my next visit will be 9/30 at 4 pm.

I'm not sure if it's related but today I felt awful, I mean I've been feeling a lot better physically but today it was like I had leaned over a railing for some time in the lower abdomen area. I was uncomfortable like when you wear skates and can still feel them when you take them off... My lower abdomen had been skating for hours without me?!

Anyway, I thought you'd like to know that I'm still here - I'm not so depressed that I've done anything rash or silly. Though I am still wanting to cut my hair. ;-)

I should sleep soon, and I will keep you posted as always - love y'all & g'night!

Mrs. KPShubert - Yesterday... Er, I mean Wednesday... & Thursday

After my last post I didn't sleep much, got up with the rest of the house and then slept for another hour or so... Maybe a total of 5 hours. When I got out of bed the last time I showered because the dr's office wouldn't open for another 1/2 hour.

I did call after and again had to receive a call back - but the wait wasn't that long. They said to bring the baby in to the lab. I put ice packs into a small styrofoam cooler and placed my baby on top. The tears silently rolling down my face the entire time; I knew this was the last time I would see the little lifeless Jellybean.

Even knowing that this precious child is in the arms of our Father, it was sad to say goodbye in the physical.

I drove to the office and did okay until I had to tell the sweet lady in the lab what I was bringing her. She and another lady admin type hugged me and said that was all I needed to do. I left while tears ran down my face, I had no choice. I couldn't stop them and I couldn't stay in that place just then. I'm sure an entire waiting room of people saw me - I'm just glad I held in the sobbing and moaning until I got in the car.

I went and had lunch with Kurt and didn't want to be alone in the house so I went after one of my favorite diversions... Thrift store shopping. I thought that I could just retail therapy myself into submission. It didn't work - I didn't find a single thing and still wanted to scream and break things.

I knew I had to go grocery shopping so I did that and by the time I was done it was time to get Anjoli.

I picked her up and we went home to put away the groceries. I made taco salad for dinner and after eating I read aloud from the 3rd Twilight book. It was a quiet evening at home.

I think I was trying too hard, I was so tired that I don't remember falling asleep, just waking up Thursday morning. And I knew I would go to work when I did wake up, I'd feel awful and useless otherwise. So I did. And I didn't feel as awful or useless, but I did feel the loss more acutely because of the sweet friends (coworkers) there... But it was nice to have the comfort of my work family. I am blessed!

By the time 5 o'clock rolled around it had started to pour down, torrentially! I felt the weather matched my mood. After dinner we went to Starbucks to get more of Anjoli's homework done. When we left Anjoli was being "talked to" by Kurt about something, I don't know what because I wasn't paying attention.

I was so distraught emotionally that I had an outburst in the parking lot. My poor car. If it wasn't so old and abused already I might have left a mark that was noticeable. Kurt, I think, misinterpreted my feelings but he was so patient with me and held me until I could really explain that it was bothering me that I hadn't seen any real display of his feelings about our loss.

I know my husband was raised by a stoic but I've seen him display sadness, joy, grief and a host of other emotions. I hadn't seen anything but worry for me and that was driving me mad... He could get all worked up enough to discipline Anjoli - and I'm not saying she didn't need it - but he couldn't let me see what he felt about our present situation? Or maybe it was that I was worried that he didn't care enough or feel any loss at all. I needed to know.

You know, God really knew what he was doing when he put us together as man and wife. I can't even explain how amazing Kurt's answer was... Truly it was God speaking to me through my dear husband.

Thank you again, God, for the wonderful creature you've given for me to help, who helps me too!

I can't say that I'm totally off the roller-coaster of emotions but I now feel somewhat better about the ride, I can see the end in sight. I know this too shall pass and that unless God calls me home before then that I'll be okay - we'll be okay.

Need to sleep soon, again, g'night all. Love y'all!

Mrs. KPShubert - Loss

**This is not a blog that everyone will want to read, it may get rather graphic for some. I thought you should be warned.**

Tuesday, Sept 7 in the morning I went to pee and I found I was bleeding. It was more than spotting and bright red, so I called my OB's office. After a couple times of them calling me back they said come in for an ultrasound.

We (Kurt, Anjoli & I) went in and waited about 45 minutes to be called into the back. There the radiologist (?) lady started the u/s and didn't say much but soon she went to fetch the doctor on call. This was not my normal doctor but he looked like he had delivered a baby or a hundred thousand maybe. They spoke in what I would term clinic speak but I'm no slouch and because it sounded a lot like they were saying the baby was not alive I had to ask something like "so what you're saying is 'no longer viable'?" in trying to keep the emotions at a minimum I had to speak clinic too. I had to get the facts first.

They told me that in no uncertain terms my womb was empty... The lady typed in "empty sac" before printing out the picture of my uterus and attaching it to my file.

After that we were escorted to the doctor's private office and sat in front of his desk discussing how confused we were. I had not passed a baby - I know how it feels since I've miscarried 2 babies that were about 8 weeks. It's like a mini labor... pain and water breaking and then finally delivery - on a small scale. So this was a shockingly awful surprise for us.

This wizened doctor came in and told me he was sorry and recommended a d&c. I politely refused and he tried to tell me how dangerous the bleeding could get. I think I upset his little apple cart because most ladies probably just do what he suggests - but most ladies haven't known someone who has died from complications from said procedure either. I agreed to contact the office if it got to where I was filling multiple pads in an hour. I hadn't yet started cramping so I wasn't really worried yet.

We were sent home. We hadn't had breakfast so we ate. At this point I couldn't just be home, so we went with Geoff & Naomi to the mall as previously planned. By the end I was feeling very stressed emotionally and wanted to go home. Naomi was so sweet, she offered to take Anjoli with them downtown to ride the trolley and look for gifts "from Arkansas" for her friends back home so that we could rest.

We laid down as soon as we got home and I cried some more. I posted on FB at that point and then napped. I woke up a couple if times to calls from friends but didn't talk much, I slept and then woke to Geoff calling about dropping the girl back home.

Since we hadn't done laundry yet, it was Naomi's last night in America & we still needed dinner - we decided to have dinner with them and then do laundry.

On the way to the restaurant my OB called and told me that he was so sorry for our loss and that with how my blood sugar numbers were looking it wasn't my fault - that he didn't see anything that I could have done differently. It made me feel a bit better, because while I knew it in my head I didn't feel it in my heart until this kind and amazingly gentle man with a professional opinion I trust told me so. He really was an answer to prayer. He also said that a d&c wasn't always the answer and that he wanted to follow-up with me - so not to cancel my appointment for next week.

I wasn't miserable during dinner, just uncomfortable, so we were able to have a laugh or two. The food was excellent and very comforting - as Masala always does well.

Mom called during dinner and I had to relive a lot on the phone as she hadn't checked FB but one of my aunts had sent condolences thru her - I had some explaining to do. (Sorry Mom, I should have called you. And thanks Aunt Mary, you are a very special lady to me!)

After dinner, laundry was boring but getting painful. I was really cramping, very usual painful cramps like I get during my monthly menstruation. I was bearing it because I knew we'd be home before long and I had Excedrin that would help.

Left the laundromat at just after 11 and I was driving. I didn't get 90 seconds into the journey when I was hit with what I can only describe as a contraction. I say this because after the first one I started counting how long they lasted and how long in between; they were from 15 to 35 seconds long and had from 60 to 120 count in between. I experienced these contractions for the entire drive home and when I got out of the car, that was about 11:20, and was halfway to the door I felt a gush.

My water broke. I told Kurt as much and went straight to the bathroom. I had some more fluid passing and started to feel the birth happening.

**If you've made it this far I'm thinking you can handle what's coming next but I don't want to shock anyone so this is the part I warned about in the beginning - seriously - turn back now if you could barely stand what came before!**

You've been duly warned.

I put my hand down in the area of interest and found what I assumed was the baby coming out so I called for my dear husband, who is such a blessing, for help. I couldn't do what I wanted one-handed & what I wanted was to get some tissue to put the baby on so I could see it and say goodbye. He helped with the tissue and I brought the baby up but it had lots of other tissue around it. I couldn't really tell what was what - though the flesh colored part I was sure was Jellybean.

I had Kurt bring a ziplock so that I could save it until after I call the doctor in the morning because I've heard that they may want to see if they might be able to find out what/when/where things happened to cause this outcome. We'll see and I'll keep you informed.

I hope that the account I've given doesn't put anyone off having children, they really are a precious gift - no matter how long (or short) a period of time we have them. I am firmly of a mind that God is in control and that His will is what's best for me (and Kurt and Anjoli and the rest of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose - see Romans 8:28) I'm blessed and thankful that I was able to spend the two months I was aware of Jellybean loving that baby and being a new mommy again.

Someone asked me tonight if it was like a loss of hope and as I've struggled with depression in my life I know that feeling and I don't feel that this is a loss of hope. This is the loss if a wonderfully made child whom I loved as much as I love Anjoli... but God has my hope in hand and I love Him all the more for it and His amazing favor. Yes, favor - because where He wants me to be is where I want to be. He is giving me the desires of my heart, though I may not yet know what they are and He is comforting me and healing me.

I'm not saying I'm done grieving or healing but I know that both are coming - as long as He is willing to give me that next breath I'll be here loving Him and living for Him.

God bless you all, goodnight.

Mrs. KPShubert - Some time passed us by...

It's been 2 weeks since my last appointment and so today I contacted the nurse with my numbers. I've found that my fasting sugar (first in the morning) was trending up - even with the crackers & peanut butter the Dr. suggested. So I think I'm going to have to keep taking another 2 unit notch up on the evening shot - which I did last night and woke to a perfect 95 this morning! Yay!

Other than that I've had a few times where I've been finding light pink to light red spotting over the last 48 hours. I'm not worried - even with my history. Some spotting is normal - unless it's accompanied by cramping or is heavy like a normal cycle it's probably fine.

I've had 2 confirmed miscarriages so naturally people think "you should tell someone about this" like the doctor. But the reality of the situation is that if this baby is God's will then I don't need to worry and if God wills this baby back to Him then I don't have to worry about that either. I'm not saying that I wouldn't seek help if I thought something were wrong -- I'm saying that at this stage there isn't much the doctor can do if I do start to miscarry. Mostly miscarriages take place after the baby has died.

I'm sorry if I've upset or frustrated anyone with the above statement. However, I do feel called to let you know what's going on. Right now - nothing going on... well, I do have a headache and I am tired. I am thinking (hoping) I should be getting some of this energy back after the next couple of weeks because I'll be in my second trimester by then. Woohoo!

I love you all - but I should get out of here now... bye.

Mrs. KPShubert - Calendar

Just in case y'all wanted to keep up with what week we're in with this baby and when my OB appointments are (were too) I've set up this Keep and Share calendar with all that... Well, I've only added the even weeks up to week 20 so far.   http://www.keepandshare.com/calendar/show_month.php?i=804960&lang=   It's totally public to view so no worries on that front.   Better get back to work, love y'all!

Mrs. KPShubert – Diabetes & You... no, wait that's & Me

It has come to my attention that at least one of my friends was rather freaked out when I divulged that I was pregnant and have diabetes – I think partially because it was thought that I had gestational diabetes.

I do not have gestational diabetes – I have type 2 that was already under control before I conceived. This is not to say that having diabetes is something to sneeze at or that I wouldn't encourage research if you are so inclined – but it's not something that is either so rare or dangerous that it never happens or is never successful.

As it stands I am (technically) a high risk pregnancy. Not only because of the diabetes but I am overweight and I have had multiple miscarriages before this baby. In the beginning when I went to see my OB for this pregnancy he informed me that I'd probably be seeing him once a week for the first couple of months.

After that first visit I went back a week later, he told me to come back in 2 weeks. I went to that appointment yesterday and because my diabetes is so well managed at this point he said to come back in a month. I'm not worried.

I have to call him in a couple of weeks to report in to his nurse (Barbara) but other than that I'm doing very well. :-) I know the risks and I'm not willing to put myself in the position of having a 15 lb watermelon instead of a sweet baby <8 lb!!!

Earlier I said I'm technically a high risk pregnancy – yes I'm in the category but because I'm being so closely watched it's less likely to be an issue than if this was a problem that crept up on me and we were trying to play catch up later.

Okay, if you have any questions, concerns or comments please feel free to leave them here or e-mail me lrshubert@yahoo.com or you can post/message to my Facebook!

Oh – and I'm sad because I found out that the smell of cucumber makes me gag something fierce… *sigh*

I better get back to it… Love y'all!